What. The. Fuck.

This movie was supposed to be good. It features a stellar cast, all of whom are acting at the top of their game. The cinematography is incredible. It’s realistic, it’s gritty. Everything about it screams, “this is a good movie!”

But it’s not. This is one of the shittiest space movies I have ever seen. This film is just a bad excuse to plaster Brad Pitt’s face across the big-screen for an onerous two-hour running time. And don’t get me wrong: Pitt’s a good actor and a good face to look at. But goddamn, his face alone does not a good space film make.

In a nutshell, this film was made by a cowboy depicting two cowboys in space: Brad Pitt and Tommy Lee Jones.

See, the problem with this film is its entire goddamned premise. Conceptually, the idea of a space elevator and moon colonization is stunning, to say the least. The idea of lunar piracy and terrorism is incredible. The aspect of space psychology for long-term missions is real and undeniable.

But the problem with this fucking beautiful movie is that everything is fucking unbelievable. It’s a big what-the-fuck that you have a big-budget sci-fi film after the impeccably accurate Interstellar that is simply rife with scientific inaccuracy.

Moreover, the entire film is nothing but wasted potential. Instead of making this an epic about first contact and humanity learning its place in the universe (a la Arrival (2016)), it simply ends up being a psychological film about a messed-up father-son relationship. This entire film discards all the sci-fi potential and instead ends up revolving around a weak father-son relationship that is concluded unsatisfactorily.

If I were to make an analogy describing this film: it is like a good fart in the wind. Satisfying, but utterly forgettable.

I don’t know how films like this get good critical reviews. In my opinion, this is an absolute waste of a big budget – to pour this much money into a film and get it wrong on a conceptual basis, then muck it up by centering the film’s theme around a shitty human relationship that gets resolved unsatisfactorily instead of focusing on the sci-fi core is an utter waste. It’s a waste of Brad Pitt and Tommy Lee Jones’ talent, and both of them deliver. It’s a freaking travesty.

Let me start with this: first off, the whole premise that an anti-matter reaction is threatening the stability of the entire solar system with “EM shockwaves” is absolutely bonkers. It’s bunk. It’s bullshit. Horseshit. It reeks so bad, it’s like, what the flying fuck? Who the hell wrote this shit? This is garbage. This is like pre-1960’s sci-fi. There is no realistic technology we have that is dependent on antimatter – and even if we had antimatter generators or propulsion, it wouldn’t threaten the ENTIRE SOLAR SYSTEM. It wouldn’t reach from Uranus to Earth.

The antimatter would simply annihilate and produce negligible gamma radiation. Big whoop. The amount of antimatter needed to produce the disastrous consequences projected by the film is ridiculous. Where the fuck would they get that much fucking antimatter? Do you realize how fucking difficult it is to procure antimatter?

And then, what the hell is up with Brad Pitt’s regular “psychological check-ins” where he speaks into a microphone and is evaluated? How the fuck does that shit work? Are they analyzing his voice patterns? Why doesn’t he just make shit up? It’s so fucking beyond stupid and senseless, it just fucking fucks with me. Fuck.

Then you have the sequence where they stop at a medical research station because of an SOS. Only, the entire crew of the research station has been KILLED by TWO BABOONS.

What. THE. FUCK. That makes no sense. It’s scary, sure, but IT MAKES NO SENSE. Jesus fucking christ, who wrote this shit? Did Elon Musk write this while high on ketamine?

Fuck.

I’m going to get an aneurysm from how retarded this shit is, for christ’s sake.

And the ending? Clifford’s space-madness? It’s just so fucking stupid. His dad just gets all suicidal and stupid at the last minute? What the hell? I honestly didn’t even give a shit if Roy made it back home. The entire premise of this film is like a rocket-ship balanced on top of a fucking jingle bell.

God, I don’t think a movie has ever made me swear so fucking much. Fuck.

Okay. Deep breaths. Having said all this, I do understand that there is an audience for this movie: stupid people who don’t understand science. Which is, apparently, quite a lot of people, judging by all the positive reviews.

My suggestion? Skip Ad Astra and go watch Interstellar a few times. But if you must see Brad Pitt, this is a visually satisfying movie, despite it being utterly nonsensical from top-to-bottom. It has good production value and is a fun watch, despite being a deplorable waste of everything holy.

Goddamn script was written by a bunch of fucking baboons.