There are so many things that I’ve done or said that I sincerely lament. A sea of failed relationships and jobs. Every experience has been traumatizing, searing itself into my memory and catalyzing emotional fallout that triggered a whole new episode of mistakes.
It’s been a long and difficult road. I don’t like talking about about my struggles openly for two big reasons:
- There’s stigma around mental health and illness, so I don’t know how my openness will color people’s perceptions. People who aren’t struggling with mental illness typically view it as a serious red flag and often lack the empathic faculties to understand your situation, which colors the way they treat you (or avoid you).
- I don’t wish to identify as “mentally disabled” or “mentally ill” because I’ve seen many people who have a permanent victim mentality stemming from what I perceive as over-identification with their disability.
Nevertheless, I feel there is value in a certain degree of vocalness, for the sake of others who are trudging down this path. More importantly, I believe it’s important to forgive oneself as part of the healing and growth process, and this means confronting your past.
Of late, my mind is replaying the past on repeat, and I am knee-deep trying to integrate a variety of memories and mistakes that I wish I could forget. Seeking integration and proper healing is what prompts me to write this piece.
I am reflecting on a lot of my behaviors and recognizing that, quite simply, my brain was not working as it should. I realize this now only because certain medications have enabled me to take a step back and feel like a well-regulated adult.
Through all this, I am remembering that my mental and personal circumstances were incredibly different even just a year ago. My mental landscape has been constantly improving and has seen drastic growth over the past decade, and in particular, over the past two years.
A year ago, I didn’t have the same degree of mental awareness that I seem to wield now. This mental awareness didn’t appear out of thin air either; it is something I have fought tooth and nail to cultivate.
Life is already difficult. Life with a mental illness is even moreso. That doesn’t mean it’s hopeless, or that people with disability can’t accomplish tremendous things when they apply themselves meaningfully and apply their due diligence. In fact, I have a perspective that people struggling with disability are secretly blessed; they have certain mental superpowers that others don’t. Perhaps this can be considered delusional, but I think there is a freeing truth in the realization that a great deal of genius is tinged with a certain degree of madness.
What is far more important than lamenting your situation or diagnosis is what you do with it. How you build awareness of your abilities and disabilities will enable you to steer your ship through life in a meaningful way. One of the significant ideas I will present is that of self-acceptance: in order to truly grow and integrate your experiences, you must openly embrace who you are.
There are many well-adjusted people who struggle with this. Self-acceptance is perhaps one of the most difficult aspects of modern life. This is exacerbated by how easy it is to compare oneself to others through social media and the internet. These technologies breed self-fixation and hyper self-awareness which deeply impacts many so-called “normal” adults.
Countless people never even attempt to scratch the surface of their true capacity because they are afraid – afraid of failure, afraid of judgement, or slave to a particular lifestyle or set of comforts.
There is no reason to be afraid. Consider that there have been many great minds and talents who thrived because they didn’t identify with their weaknesses, but instead adapted to the hands they were dealt in life. Perhaps one of the greatest examples of this is Stephen Hawking, but I know there are many names I could list.
How can one work around their so-called mental illness or disability? It takes gumption and discipline. It takes deep contemplation, meditation, and solitude. It requires you to disconnect from both external and internal expectations to re-frame life in a way that suits you. This is no easy task, but it is a doable, highly-rewarding process.
In this path to self-acceptance, integration, and eventual self-actualization, your most powerful tool is mental awareness. Being able to take a step back from the day-to-day bustle, from the chatter of your own mind and emotions, and instead maintain stillness. By building awareness of how your mind works, you gain the ability to direct it.
How you cultivate this awareness is different for everybody. Talking about your experiences and journaling can be immensely beneficial. I find healthy exercise and diet to be powerful weapons in this pursuit. Engaging in artistic endeavors – writing, poetry, drawing, music – are also incredibly potent tools in your arsenal. All of these tools require discipline to activate. Whatever approach you choose, based on your own set of values, be consistent and diligent.
In contrast, all the entertainment surrounding us, including the draw of socialization and spending time with people, are distractions from the cultivation of healthy habits. This isn’t to say they don’t have their place; most people have a need for some sense of connection. Leisure can be viewed as healthy. However, a much more powerful approach is to re-frame leisure with healthier outlets: exercise, meditation, writing, self-expression.
Tantamount to all of this is to re-frame your sense of meaning – what it means to live a healthy or successful life. One of the great killers of self-acceptance and integration is ambition: when your ego identifies with your pursuits and instead of pursuing them as an end unto themselves, you make up goals, typically based on external metrics.
Again, this isn’t to say that pursuing external goals – going to school, getting certifications, or progressing professionally – aren’t meaningful. It’s simply to say that these things can become distractions in and of themselves and prevent you from experiencing the joy of simply being.
Even spiritual paths are not exempt from becoming egoic pursuits. In fact, many religions thrive not from real spirituality, but from people’s egoic identification with religion. Instead of addressing their true needs, people devote themselves to a particular cause in order to escape themselves. This only enables the Jungian shadow to fester.
The things I am describing are very much aligned with Jungian psychology and the exploration and integration of one’s shadow. This is the path to individuation and meaningful self-actualization.
Returning to the topic of my own experiences: lately, I have been experiencing no shortage of internal grief from triggers of past traumatic events. I believe this is triggered by the season, and by certain environmental reminders of my past.
I am fraught with both a sense of remorse for my past behaviors, but also an egoic sense of being treated unfairly by many people. Some part of me laments my behavior, and some part of me finds the blame is not completely mine to bear, but that other people are equally at fault. I believe the truth lies in a locus between these two planes, and the only real path forward is to forgive both myself and others.
Pointing blame at anyone seems like a fruitless endeavor that will only prolong my suffering. It is important to recognize that people I was involved with were simply acting in their own rational, self-interest, based on their own values. I was doing the same. Some part of me wishes for external forgiveness, but the real forgiveness must come from within.
I have been finding it helpful to open up and talk to close friends and my therapist. Finding a safe space where you can vent a little in order to gain perspective can be immensely helpful. Having a soulful confidante who re-affirms your own perspective and is supportive can be immensely beneficial in moving forward.
I have also been healing by forming new memories and experiences with others. I find this has been the most therapeutic above all else. I’ve been counting my blessings and realizing that many of my past experiences have helped elucidate relationships that are truly meaningful and life-affirming versus those that are a psychic burden.
When all is said and done: life is to live, not to regret. Walk forward towards a better day, and take actions in the present to align yourself with a better future. Forgive yourself and others, and embrace yourself in complete self-acceptance. There is no need for hate, but a very distinct need for love.
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