In my more formative years, gripped by a distinct sense of mortality (there’s some deep irony here), I was idea and project-driven. I was never much for small-talk, casual conversation, or idle chatter; I found such things to be rather droll and meaningless… lacking in stimulation, perhaps.
This led to being rather disinterested in other people and preferring to bond over very specific interests. As I went through the thick of my twenties, I began to believe that my inflexibility and inability to interface with people at their level was holding me back in a variety of ways: socially, empathetically, personally, and professionally.
I made great efforts over the past decade to cultivate these perceived “shortcomings.” My general conclusion is that social skills and patterns can be learned, like any other skill. No one is inherently more social or better geared for socialization; rather, one can apply one’s natural tendencies and latent potential to socialize in a way best suited for them.
In fact, how well one is able to identify social patterns and adapt to different groups and crowds is likely directly correlated to aspects of intelligence… working memory, cognition, and even scientific ability. I’m sure there are sociological papers and research studies aimed at establishing such correlations.
This is because socializing with others is, at its core, an abstract effort in which you are developing simulated systems and models of how other people behave and perceive things. These faculties of empathy can be developed by anyone, but it takes a tremendous amount of directed conscious effort.
Hence why many scientists, nerds, artists, and so on prefer solitude and remaining social pariahs: developing the social muscle takes away the brain’s resources for focusing on other skills and tasks.
However, we as a species prize and reward social ability far more than any other trait. People with deeper empathy and social awareness inherently command greater charisma, better networks, and ultimately, higher earning potential. Do they contribute more to society, overall? That depends – perhaps not in the realm of truly original thought or innovation, but they certainly proffer a real and definite social utility in bringing people together, sharing ideas, and being “voices” for the human collective.
From a logical and economic perspective, the significance of social abilities became rather clear to me in my twenties. This awareness was coupled with my egoic ambitions at the time – founding and leading my own company – which led me to be emphatic of the importance to be able to work with and lead all types of people. In order to be an effective leader, you must employ deep contemplation and awareness of your peers.
This can be taken another way: using coercive or Machiavellian manipulation techniques and power games in order to control people around you to your advantage. Pushing people beyond their boundaries by exploiting psychology. That is not the paradigm which I am describing, but the kind popularized in such titles as the 48 Laws of Power and similar.
My notion of a good leader is a far more eusocial and idealistic conceptualization: a social being who comprehends the inherent strengths and natures of people and charismatically drives them to want to improve, to do their best, to exceed their bounds, but not by coercion (economic or psychological) but by shared principles of value.
A true leader. Someone capable of making hard decisions, taking responsibility, and caring for people. Someone who gets hit hard, takes the blame, and still gets up every day. Someone resilient, quick-witted, understanding, compassionate, and able to interface with many different types of people effectively and meaningfully.
Someone who is genuinely loved. Not worshipped, but a true humanitarian. That’s my idea of a leader. That’s not the sort of leadership that is cultivated through the stifling politics of most organizations, which value coldhearted and ruthless calculation.
By my estimation, a truly excellent leader would be the kind that empowers everyone they come into contact with, by virtue of character and universal human ideals, to take on the mantle of something greater. A true leader is the kind of person that inspires everyone around them to be more, through sheer belief.
And a true leader is as likely to be hated as they are to be loved. They will be loved by those who share their values; they will be detested by those subscribing to material values.
We live in a morally bankrupt society in this modern day and age, where such chivalrous notions are cast aside as foolhardy and weak principles. Perhaps they are – but I cling feverishly to these ideals, as I tire of the materially minded so-called “leaders” that multiply the agony and suffering of countless hardworking people.
But I digress.
In my experimentations and experiences with developing social aptitude, I found that is incredibly important to have a conscientious “social contract” in mind that helps dictate one’s social interactions. Basically, an internalized sort of manifesto of what your values and what you’re aiming to achieve by socializing.
It can be all well and good to simply be buddy-buddy with people and make friends, but this rarely goes very far. Practically all humans are rather selfish in their outlook, so they are constantly looking out for number one at the cost of others. Humans are not the type to be “friends for the sake of friendship,” but choose friends in rather calculating manners specific to their system of values. Part of this is survival, part of this is emotional.
Being sycophantic and a people-pleaser is a great way to get abused and also become a resentful misanthrope. Being a narcissistic, self-obsessed phony is a great way to… well, be an asshole.
When you have an internal social contract you abide by, it makes your interactions much cleaner and more principled, with clear criterion for decision-making. This also breeds respect from people. People might not like you outright, but they will respect you for having a backbone.
Thus, having an intellectual and philosophical foundation that guides your actions based on a sense of value and meaning is one of the strongest things you can do to improve your social presence. Many people are hodge-podges of egoic constructs lacking a truly unifying, systemic philosophy. As a result, people are often mired in cognitive dissonance and uncertainties, which in turn makes them unpredictable and lousy companions. Most social relationships are tenuous, temporary things rooted in insecurity, rather than solid, reliable constructs.
When you have an internal social contract that you adhere to, it helps you filter through countless relationships to zero in on people you align with at a deeper, spiritual level. Not a religious level – but a level deeper than that.
When you can bond with people at this level, you become able to trust more freely and openly. Moreover, you’ll find that you can often find some degree of commonality with which to establish a foundation of trust.
It is this foundation of trust that forms the fundamental unit of social cooperation. This foundation is often built over time, with shared interactions, or with some kind of public credential: fame, degrees, certifications, money, etc.
Developing this abstract skill-set is requisite on competency in sorting through human communication and miscommunication, reading between the lines, going past what is said and hearing what people are trying to say from their souls. To do this, one needs to be willing to take the onerous position of responsibility, which means, one must be willing to take the blame. Most people simply do not have the patience for cultivating this degree of empathy, which is also why many people suffer by and large from flimsy relationships. Moreover, most people also hate feeling like they’re at fault.
Humility is the name of the game here. Rather than always coming up with ideas with how everyone else is wrong, be fair in assessing how you also failed in your interactions. Don’t be overly critical, but approach it like a game. You can always learn from every social interaction. It’s mind-numbingly bleh, you get fed up with analyzing things from every angle, but it all adds up.
The more you practice humility and empathy, the more charisma you’ll naturally exude. People are inherently drawn to those who are down-to-earth, not trying to prove anything, and willing to listen to others. You’ll find these traits go a long way in improving the general enjoyability of many social interactions, too. You’ll become more open-minded, sociable, and often make friends without even trying!
Crazier still, you’ll be impressed by the number of people whom you make lasting impressions on. You’ll also have your fair share of haters too, there’s no getting around that, but whoever said it was going to be easy?
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