Dear Me,

Sometimes we are toxic. You do this too! And you know it. That’s good. We don’t try to be toxic on purpose. Sometimes you are aware of it, sometimes you are not. I understand that, which is why I’m writing this gentle letter.

I know sometimes toxic people get to you. They don’t know how to be nice. They’re passive aggressive. They’re short-tempered. They make mean comments.

Probably, they’re just overwhelmed by different aspects of their life and they take it out on you, because you’re an easy target. They’re not necessarily mean people, or being mean on purpose, but it’s kind of become a bad habit for them. If you call them out on it, they’ll double back and say “but I’m just joking!” They’re not joking. They know it. So don’t let them have a good time doing it. But also, forgive them for hurting and being damaged. Tell them clearly, “I forgive you for being a damaged person, and I hope you can find healing.” That will stop them in their tracks.

Why Are People Toxic?

People are “toxic” often because they cannot bear their own suffering with grace, and it bleeds out in unhealthy ways. It is particularly prevalent in heterogendered interactions between men and women. Both masculinity and femininity can become toxic.

Arguably the most toxic and damaged people are those who believe in some form of elitism: sexism, racism, classism, egotism, intellectualism, whatever it is they choose to align with in pursuit of a false sense of superiority. The need to align with a particular “ism” as a sense of identity is a crutch of the ego. Instead of associating with interesting thoughts and ideas, they have to prop themselves up on made-up “isms.”

People who need to do this adopt a conveniently shallow view of the world in order to be able to feel comfortable. That is the key word: they are deeply uncomfortable, and they need this prop to feel better about themselves. They don’t fully know how to love themselves and others as they are, and are plagued by value judgements owing to the egoic crutch they rely on.

Can You Teach Toxic People?

You don’t need to teach or try to correct such people. They have to want to correct themselves and whatever internal damage they carry. They have to recognize their own toxicity and want to be kinder. They need to want to grow.

That you are growth oriented is enough. In that growth, forgive others and give them space to grow. It’s okay to simply walk away from toxicity and forget it. Don’t engage it. Don’t take it personally. It isn’t about you: it’s about them.

People who are toxic may already know it, and be actively trying to exorcise their own demons. But sometimes, those demons put up a fight, and in the process of self-healing, a toxic person becomes more toxic before they finally heal. There can be a period of deep purging, when years and years of pent-up detritus and negativity come pouring out in raging currents, in countless fights and storms, before the person finally finds an inner peace and quiet. Toxic people are tested, oftentimes to their limits. Therefore, showing love and kindness to such people is the grace they deserve, an elixir to help in their transformation.

Sometimes, part of that kindness is being assertive in drawing your own boundaries, in not allowing them to step over you or abuse or insult you. Sometimes, kindness is giving them a taste of their own medicine, to help them realize “is this the bitter poison I have been feeding others?” But this can be done with love. When it is done with love, even such assertion comes with calmness and gentleness.

So… Do Nothing?

It is best to allow toxic people to wander in the errors of their ways and experience karmic justice. Theirs is a hard lot in life. Forgive them. They are constantly mired in anxiety, believing the world is out to get them, and this thinking manifests as such: bad things end up happening to them, things they don’t believe they deserve.

It is not a question of deserving it; it is a question of their arrogance. Toxic people are negative because they walked through the world with arrogance, believing they were entitled or deserving of something better. This is never true. No matter how good or compassionate or caring you are, life will always test you. Being able to handle tests with patience, grace, and good spirits proves your goodness.

Becoming toxic when life tests you proves you were not “good” to begin with, but simply enjoy thinking of yourself as good. And people who like to think of themselves as “good” often put down others as being “bad” in order to accomplish this.

We all do it, from time to time. It’s a weakness. A crutch. The important thing is to not make it a habit, to build awareness and shy away from such self-identification. No one is truly “good” or “bad” (hence the heavy use of quotes) but we ought to identify by our actions, our intentions, our hard work.

Remember: people must save themselves. All you can do is be a good example.

Why Do Toxic People Exist?

It is unclear, but perhaps they have tired of the incessant effort it takes to cleanse and purify oneself in this trying existence. They have given way and opened the doors of their soul to demons and parasites. These otherworldly creatures have invaded their minds, burrowing and nesting deep in their damaged psyches. Instead of warding off the terrible thoughts and making their minds a home for beauty, for cherishing life and existence, they have decided to become beacons for hellspawn to spill forth into our verse.

This can happen to anyone. It can happen to the best of us. Everyone can be corrupted: depressed, despondent, negative. Angry, spiteful, jealous. We are all of us, vulnerable.

Evil patiently waits and uses every avenue to extend its corrupting tendrils. Wickedness lurks around every corner. This is why we must build fortresses and temples about our hearts and minds, to protect against these ethereal forces, to not lose ourselves.

How Can We Not Become Toxic Ourselves?

We can strive for goodness, fairness, love, and compassion. We can strive for growth, for self-improvement. We can appreciate the beauty in everything, even in struggle and suffering.

It is important to understand we cannot excise shadow and dark from ourselves. Therefore, do not fight it, else it will win. You do not fight fire with fire. You fight fire with water. Water your shadow with love. In darkness, seek light. The sincerity of your soul is what will save you. No matter how corrupted you have become, no matter the extremity of your errors, we can always repent, we can always make amends.

This level of gratitude is a damning poison to the forces that seek to corrupt us. If we strive with purity of intention, then our souls purify and save themselves. That is not to say we won’t make mistakes, for mistakes are the blessings by which we learn: we must necessarily tangle with the darkness, then untangle ourselves therefrom.

Nothing will ever be enough to atone for the past, but that does not mean we should not try. It is because nothing can be enough that we must strive relentlessly, and it is in this striving that we find forgiveness: from God and from ourselves.

Life is love. Living is an art of grace. Surrender yourself with humility, and find your way.

Sincerely, and with love,
Me

(I write this, of course, to myself, foremost, but to everyone else who benefits and heals from it as well, ahō!) 🫶