Our egos are an inescapable facet and truth to our existence. This aspect of our psyches and psychologies is akin to the shadow cast by light: our egos, or “false selves,” are a byproduct of our very thoughts themselves. When we think, we inextricably come up with self-identity. To quell or silence the ego is not possible, and arguably, inadvisable. It is a fool’s errand, like trying to blot out the sun permanently. Instead, it is more meaningful to be aware of our egos and how they behave and respond, in order to not allow them to control our behaviors and responses, to instead operate from a seat of sentient awareness.
We are not who we think we are. We are, rather, the awareness of ourselves and our many facets of being. Nevertheless, we tend to develop an image of self, in a variety of relations: our self relative to our family, to expectations, including our formulated ideas and notions of what others expect and think of us, and what is needed to coexist harmoniously. These egoic conceptualizations form the foundational basis of our internal models for how we fit in, hierarchically and societally, and how we can contribute not only to our survival, but the survival and well-being of our peers and loved ones.
That our egos serve a sociological purpose and are a byproduct of evolution is indubitable. What is less clear is how to best apply the ego, especially as we cultivate awareness and begin to realize that many negative and toxic behaviors are a byproduct of our collective egos. Many behaviors in society, including greed, vindictiveness, coercion, control, thirst for power, and a variety of dark triad traits, are a direct consequence of ego, especially ego left unchecked to its own devices. As conscientious and aware individuals, we must therefore keep ourselves in check, and find a harmonious expression of self-identity.
Self-identity is a construct of thought and the mind, along with our consciousness. Perhaps it is possible that consciousness and self-identity are inextricable pieces of a whole; that any consciousness invariably has some conceptualization of “self.” This notion of self can be molded and shaped by our conscious thought, inasmuch as our concept of self also exerts a pressure on our consciousness and behavior. Unlike our conscious awareness, however, our sense of self is somewhat embedded in the subconscious; it can form of its own volition, and sometimes we are at its behest: haunted by thoughts of who we are based on our own value-based judgements of our memories of actions and behaviors. Our sense of self is affected by our moral value systems; many of us actively strive to see ourselves as “good” and take actions that fall under our notion of what is “good,” these notions often being informed and inherited from what we learn from parents, friends, and society.
When interacting with other people, our egos often become involved. Things that people say and do to us tend to trigger reactions from the ego which are often subconscious and deeply rooted. We become consciously aware of these emotions and often behave reflexively. Perceived slights or wrongs to our ego can trigger sensations of anger stemming from thoughts of injustice or unfairness. When people exact personal attacks that our egos feel threatened by, we often respond with anger and may become vindictive, undertaking actions designed specifically to harm the egos of others, or affect their social standing, and in the most extreme cases, bring physical harm upon others.
Consider that many ideological vendettas have been enacted for political and religious reasons, in which people were not physically threatened, but their egos felt threatened by someone else, a group of people, typically on the basis of competing ideology. Religious wars are the most common example of this, one of the bloodiest and most famous examples being the Christian Crusades, a set of military campaigns enacted by the papacy starting in the late 11th century and taking place between 1095 and 1291. These campaigns were directed primarily at Muslims but also directed initially at Jews in France.
Practically all religions have experienced some degree of violence, either internally or externally. Discrimination is a rather common behavior amongst humans in general. As creatures, we are more wired to pick up on differences amongst ourselves rather than the exceeding body of commonalities we share with other humans. This is likely an evolutionary adaptation selected for over years of tribal warfare for limited resources. In the modern age, even though we exist in an era of surplus, our primal instincts remain, and we continue to fear each other for differences that can be described as trivial and minute, at least from an intellectual and humanitarian perspective.
Our egos tend to be particularly sensitive to perceived offenses. We tend to be ready to take offense and bear arms, sometimes at the drop of a hat. We actively politicize and look for allies in these battles we devote ourselves to, sometimes going out of our ways to suppress and belittle others. However, as years of struggle, conflict, and humanitarian movements have taught us, these entrenched behaviors and emotions are arguably primal relics that should be carefully and meaningfully attenuated in a modern, globalized, and diverse age.
Coexistence and peaceful solution is the way of the future, especially with the level of population we have. In order for humans to find meaningful solutions for the types of societal and climatological problems that we are now presented with, it behooves us to work together, to value differences in perspective and opinion, and cultivate peaceful, intellectual, and harmonious cultures and perspectives. The pursuit of such a bright future demands we first look within and gain awareness and mastery over our own egos and emotions and notions of self.
To this end, we must engage meaningfully in disagreement. It is important to get into fights with others, to have fallouts in relationships, to see how our emotions and egos cause us to behave in the heat of things. Only by failing, by saying things we later regret, and experiencing fallout in relationships, can we improve our self-awareness and develop more gentleness and compassion in how we approach others – and how we treat ourselves.
One of the best things you can do is learn to take deep breaths, to not speak immediately, particularly as you feel yourself become emotional. Learn to be aware of your emotions and articulate them, but to do so in an objective and calm fashion. Learn techniques for phrasing your emotions and reframing them, and cultivate empathy, trying to understand how others see and experience things, and putting yourself in their shoes, with their backgrounds and experiences.
Meditate carefully on the experiences of others to develop a refrained, calculated, and compassionate approach to life. Live with love, for yourself and others to help such compassion blossom and take fruit.
Make a habit of doing this, and you are well on the road to mastering your ego and anger!
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